As I was thinking back on moments from the past year or so, there are things that I’m just now realizing (late, I know) that I’ve learned or that I am currently learning, months later down the road.
This past year has been anything but an easy one. Academically, spiritually, physically. It was demanding and exhausting; in other words, it was ROUGH. But, even though I went through different types of hardship, last year was also the best year I could have ever asked for.
I think one of the biggest things I learned (and hope to continue to remember) is not to take enjoyable moments for granted. Or people.
Earlier this year, we lost a fellow theatre student. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It happened on April 30th, a Tuesday. My morning classes had gotten out early and I was attempting to do homework before my 1 o’clock class, when the few of us who were not in class got rushed to the theatre. Our professors wanted talk to us, ALL of us; this never happens. The only time we are ever even SLIGHTLY in the same place at the same time is maybe strike or the Bonies. Finding out the news was destructive to several of us. For me, I had just danced in our concert with him and shared crew assignments with him just two days beforehand. I remember texting my best friend who was in class at the time and telling him to get to the auditorium, that I needed him. When he finally got there (along with about 10 other people that were in his same class), I was a little bit of a wreck. I remember a few people, myself and a few others, ran all the way across campus (literally RAN) to grab a few of our students who were in math class. By that point we had known for about an hour and the Dean had sent out a campus wide email. Those in math found out before we got to them and almost didn’t make it through their test.
That day, we were more of a family than I’ve ever seen us. I remember homework got pushed aside. Classes got skipped. I had a whole list of things to do and none of them got checked off. Instead, we were rushing around putting together a memorial service for our friend, something that if he were to look down and see, he would be proud of. I remember being so occupied with preparing everything that I was actually really numb most of the day. I went into business mode, to fight off the pain. It wasn’t until later, when we painted up our faces (just like he used to), wore his favorite colors, and danced in the grass a number from the concert, that I truly was hit with the hurt, the pain that I’d never be able to walk in to the green room again and see that face or hear that laughter.
The thing about Lakim was…He wasn’t afraid to be himself. He had this mentality that what other people thought of him didn’t matter. He lived life the way he wanted, and strived to make others laugh along with him. In his mind, he was cool, and didn’t owe anyone else an explanation for what he did or who he was. “Oh, that’s just Lakim,” was often heard. He lived in the moment.
And I think in the long run, that’s taught me to not care as much either. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. If they really care about you, it won’t matter.
Now that I’ve shared that (long) story (sorry about that)…
Other things I’ve learned this year? The short version:
Don’t apologize for loving someone. EVER. If you truly love someone, you shouldn’t have to apologize for it. Even if they aren’t your “one.” That being said, they should also except you as you are and stand by you no matter what, not bash you for some things that may be out of your control. But don’t Ever apologize for loving someone, for finding someone so totally trustworthy of your heart and being. That takes guts; don’t ever apologize for having the courage to give your love.
The best surprises come when you least expect them. My relationship came out of nowhere. I was definitely not looking for it, and even though it ended up being hard, I don’t regret it at all. In fact, I gained one of the best friends I’ve ever had (to this day). He knows me better than anyone. I also gained amazing new friendships this year with people I never planned. One of those coming out of a really complicated and surprising situation, but I really think was totally a God inspired friendship. This girl has become of my biggest encouragements and I absolutely love her.
Don’t change for someone else. If they don’t love you for who you are, they aren’t worth your time. It’s as simple as that. However, walking away is sometimes the hardest thing you can ever do.
Take in the moment and live your life. All too often, I think we all get caught up in planning ahead or looking to the future; neither are bad things, don’t get me wrong. I love planning ahead. But this year my friends and I have had more spontaneous movie nights or food runs or Walmart trips that have turned into some the best conversations, funniest moments, and favorite memories of mine. Also, related to living in the moment, I like to take pictures. I still live in the moment but I like to capture it too. (My best friend once told me he hates how much I love pictures…..Should I be offended?)
I have the best friends. Really, I do. I have a sister who loves me and is there for me no matter what. I have a best friend who knows just by the look on my face if something is wrong and knows exactly what to say and do to cheer me up. I have another who, though being far away, has become an incredible encourager to me, spiritually and just in general. Not to mention the one I get into shenanigans with or the one who’s a great listener. I’ve never been one for having just one best friend; but these guys… I’d do anything for. They are my family.
And the last thing (well, not the last thing but the last that I’ll post here) I’ve learned:
God really does love me. It’s really hard to see at times and I can’t possibly imagine what He has in store for me, but I’m so excited to see what’s going to happen. And no matter what, no matter what mistakes I’ve made, He has overwhelming love for me. That’s incredibly encouraging.